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Ladies and gentleman, I give you…“The X-Nerds!!” Allow me to list these superheroes and their special powers, from left to right…

“Dr. Puma” – Known for his trademark can of Fanta, this laid back doctor has the power to grow his hair to any length on command. For some reason, he chose this length.
“Sticky Smiles” – Never seen without his huge stick bo staff, this hero has the power to masturbate for hours on end without stopping until it’s time for D&D with his cousins.
“The Red-Headed Stepchild” – Armed with, I don’t know, I’m gonna say wooden fish(?) dangling from his custom Ocean Pacific bodysuit, this superhero has the power of endless viriginity.
“The Bricklayer” – This superhero used to be part of the Youth Manhandling Crime Association (YMCA), but has now struck out on his own. Instantly recognizable, even on a bike at night, this hero has the power of coming out during his sophomore year in college, without really surprising anyone.
“The Magic Magician” – After being cursed to wear mandals for eternity by his arch-nemesis, The Quarterback, this hero began wielding his signature weapon, um…fuck, what is that? A butterknife? Well anyway, he doesn’t wash his hair and has the power of lice.
“Didn’t-Think-This-Through Man” – Armed with the labeling gun from his after school job at a grocery store, this hero has the power of courtesy/apology. A necessary trait, since he runs into everything due to his box helmet. (Fun fact: Has accidentally touched a boob, and is therefore the most sexually experienced of The X-Nerds.)
“The Douchebagger” – While the rest of The X-Nerds were designing their costumes, The Douchebagger just took off one sock and put his watch around his bicep. He has the power to make those around him think that he tries to pretend he’s cooler than everyone else but whatever, he’s a nerd just like us. Who cares if his older brother was on the soccer team? Fuck Trevor and his stupid necklace.

So there you have The X-Nerds. Fighting crime, one lonely, awkward afternoon in the park at a time.

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