Imagine a metal sheath around your penis lined with spikes, so each time you get an erection your penis iron-maidened. Spiked penis sheaths are just one of the innovative methods designed to stop kids touching themselves, along with genital electro-shock, penis piercing, labia clamping and, for a few lucky girls, a clitoridectomy. Quite right too, masturbation turns your dink into a snail and your vagina into a bucket of chicken…

1. The Stephenson Spermatic Truss, patented in 1876, squeezed the penis in a small pouch, which was then stretched and strapped down between the legs, making erections a painfully cramped possibility.
2. The Bowen Device was placed over the penis and attached by the pubic hair, which would be plucked out if there was a rush of blood down below.
3. In 1848, Dr John Moodie invented a device which restricted blood flow to the penis, apparently discouraging erections
4. The penis cooler, invented in 1893 by Frank Orth, was worn at night and, through a system of levers, poured cold water over the genitals at the first hint of morning glory.
5. In 1873, a teacher from Belgium even invented a school bench to “prevent schoolboys from crossing or closing their legs… thus both the rubbing and heating of the genital parts are avoided”, which was meant to stop the mass murder of their sacred semen.
6. After the development of batteries, appliances emerged that gave electric shocks with every erection, training your penis like Pavlov’s dogs.
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In the US Patent Office records, there are over 30 patents for devices to prevent masturbation dating between 1856 and 1932. Luckily, around 1930 the medical profession disproved the theory and all us wankers were saved.

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