Tag: ONN
Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk
Over 75% of an average American’s exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.
In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don’t Give A Shit?
Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.
Joad Cressbeckler Is Back To Claim Rightful Title As Most Ornery Pundit Alive
The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm ‘The Cressbeckler Stance’ and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.
‘Iron Man 2’ Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face
Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets…
The ONN: Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: ‘Wake Up! He’s A Shapeshifter’
hahaha
The ONN: Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen
Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.
The ONN: Today Now! Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar
[YouTube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDWo6m5hbG4%5D 8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest…
The ONN: Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate
[YouTube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaidaE1ZxrI%5D Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong….
The Onion: Next Tarantino Movie An Homage To Beloved Tarantino Movies Of Director’s Youth
MADRID—While attending a European press junket Monday for his film Inglourious Basterds, director Quentin Tarantino announced that his next project, Jack Rabbit Slim, will go…
ONN: U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
[YouTube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRgRz3nSG7o%5D Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for…
ONN: Today Now: Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa
[Youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX50whgnyN0%5D Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until…
ONN: Today Now! Taco Bell\’s New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature
[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=M91dv1_QuuA%5D Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.
ONN: Today Now! Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg
[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMsLg4jqlJw%5D After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson\’s trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.
ONN – Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny’s
[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yiQXPOO1Yo%5D Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you…
ONN: Nation’s Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: ‘Let’s Move In Together’
[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ADncN9HIa4%5D Girlfriends’ spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right…
ONN Sports: NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line
[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7mekhFTrXM%5D Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.
ONN:Pentagon Reports Army Mascot \’Liberty\’ Killed in Iraq
Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty\’s antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DI16OAkqug%5D
ONN: Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As ‘Fun, Watchable’
Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams’ enjoyable, engaging prequal betrays what Star Trek is all about. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=02LgdXVkXgM%5D
ONN: More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don’t do their own work. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYaZ57Bn4pQ%5D
Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up ‘ThunderCats’
LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this…
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