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Unpopular Police Officer Thinking About Committing Racially Motivated Offense For A Little Support

INDIANAPOLIS—Tired of being overlooked by everyone in his precinct, unpopular Indianapolis Police Department officer Kyle Norris told reporters Wednesday he was considering committing a racially…

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Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk

Over 75% of an average American’s exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.

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In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don’t Give A Shit?

Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.

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Joad Cressbeckler Is Back To Claim Rightful Title As Most Ornery Pundit Alive

The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm ‘The Cressbeckler Stance’ and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.

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‘Iron Man 2’ Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face

Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets…

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The ONN: Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: ‘Wake Up! He’s A Shapeshifter’

hahaha

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The ONN: Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen

Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.

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The ONN: Today Now! Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

[YouTube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDWo6m5hbG4%5D 8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest…

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The Onion: Next Tarantino Movie An Homage To Beloved Tarantino Movies Of Director’s Youth

MADRID—While attending a European press junket Monday for his film Inglourious Basterds, director Quentin Tarantino announced that his next project, Jack Rabbit Slim, will go…

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ONN: U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

[YouTube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRgRz3nSG7o%5D Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for…

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ONN: Today Now: Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa

[Youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX50whgnyN0%5D Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until…

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ONN: Today Now! Taco Bell\’s New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=M91dv1_QuuA%5D Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

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ONN: Today Now! Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMsLg4jqlJw%5D After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson\’s trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

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ONN – Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny’s

[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yiQXPOO1Yo%5D Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you…

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ONN: Nation’s Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: ‘Let’s Move In Together’

[youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ADncN9HIa4%5D Girlfriends’ spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right…

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ONN:Pentagon Reports Army Mascot \’Liberty\’ Killed in Iraq

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty\’s antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DI16OAkqug%5D

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ONN: Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As ‘Fun, Watchable’

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams’ enjoyable, engaging prequal betrays what Star Trek is all about. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=02LgdXVkXgM%5D

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ONN: Ambassador Stages UN Coup, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

Uganda\’s Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPfVkuPmpc8%5D

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ONN: More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don’t do their own work. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYaZ57Bn4pQ%5D

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Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up ‘ThunderCats’

LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this…

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ONN: Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

Wait, what? HAHAHAHHAHA… [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4kwk5jV2nU%5D

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ONN: Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things. [youtube:www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AyVh1_vWYQ%5D

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